Thursday, 10 May 2007

The Dark Side

There is definitely a Dark side ….

At times like these I can feel myself being pulled towards it…

Things build up and nothing seems to be going right – mostly due to the fact that I have an inconvenient first instinct to try to help people out. There is a very noticeable urge at times like this to turn – to become selfish and mean – get what I want – I mean its there right in front of me – why don’t I just take it? Oh… and I hate being taken advantage of – especially if the people in question don’t give me the kudos to realise that I know I’m being taken advantage of – they think they’ve pulled one over on me and I’m oblivious and/or ignorant

I’ll give you a small example coz I realise this sounds like a rant
I drive a women to school every day. She has no car. I pick her up and drop her home to her door, saving her the hassle of public transport. Although on a map, as the crow flies, I might pass that direction, in reality I could go a much better route – avoiding all the traffic and saving myself 25 minutes. I have tried and failed to find anything in common with this being – not only that but there’s plenty about her I dislike. To steal a quote – she’s “in possession of all the virtues I despise and none of the vices I admire”. If I was driven anywhere I would be thankful at the very least and also feel obliged to chip in for diesel and the inconvenience of the driver – this yoke doesn’t – it pisses me off. I enjoy taking a breath - reminding myself that I’m doing something nice and that she’ll never change from being a cow – and exhale.

What would I be like as a nasty? Putting my wants above others needs? I don’t want to spend too much time thinking about it to be honest (I’ll only get jealous) – I just want to be finished this course, have a job to start come September, and be able to enjoy my free time in the fresh air with good people.

It’s funny, but before starting to teach I was concerned about how nasty the kids would be – I couldn’t have been more wrong! It’s the adults that display all the negative traits in education – there are some serious cases of power tripping, Napoleonic little bastards in every staff room – seemingly determined to make the kids life hell. It’s the little gems of encouragement from the Kids that give me the kicking I need sometimes to wake myself up from a funk I may find myself in as a result of being flabbergasted at the mind bogglingly closed mindedness of some teachers.

I think I’ll be staying on the brighter side for a bit longer

Note: I think my blog reads like a series of highs and lows – am I manic/depressive or just typing what I feel? Don’t know really – but it feels ok – typing about negative thoughts actually helps me see how futile and insignificant my problems really are, which is a good thing – and riding on a wave of psyche is a good thing too – revelling in the joys – making them outweigh the lows of life – excellent!

P.S. I need to climb on rock BIG TIME! It’s been over a week due to this and that and I’m as keen as a dog with 6 cocks right now!


Wasatch Girl said...

Dave my friend, we all have a dark side. I completely relate with you that I am also too nice to people and often get burned. It is a harsh reality and is one that I am experiencing right now as well. Go out and climb lots of BIG rocks and remember that a H.A.P. in Utah thinks you are an utter rock star.

Outdoor junkie said...

Wise words from a common friend I see right before me!

As one guy said recently to me, it'll all come back in Karma at some point. I'm not a big believer in any of that lark, but I use it to justify some of my own actions (think we all have similar issues of helping people too much - it's a good thing in the long run though!) so slog through the crappy times and you'll appreciate the good times even more. Can't write more due to lack of time but will email!

Dave said...

Legends the Pair of ye!

Appreciate the words H.P.’s but rest assured I was through the worst of it by the time I came to writing about it. Great to hear from you pair though!! Wasatch Girl – you’re a legend – not exactly having the easiest time of things yourself and you can still try and pick others up – a star! Junkie boy – I’ve seen (and been on the receiving end) of the lengths to go to to help folks – I don’t think you’ve ever got to worry about breaking even Karma-wise! So go and redpoint an 8b already!!